How Divorce Affects Children: Age by Age

Divorce is a difficult experience for any family, and as a parent, you may find yourself facing tough decisions that extend far beyond the legal aspects.

You know, in your heart, that your children’s well-being is a priority, but it can be challenging to know exactly how to help them through this emotionally charged time.

Each child, depending on their age and development, will react differently to divorce, and understanding their needs can make all the difference in supporting them effectively.

Facing the Reality: Divorce Happens

You are not alone. Divorce is a reality many families face.

In the United States alone, millions of families are impacted by divorce. While first marriages see about 43% ending in divorce, the rate increases significantly for subsequent marriages, with nearly 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages resulting in divorce.

The reasons behind divorce are varied and often deeply personal. Among the most commonly cited reasons are lack of communication, infidelity, financial difficulties, and simply growing apart over time. Studies have shown that 75% of divorces in the U.S. are due to a lack of commitment between spouses, while infidelity accounts for nearly 60% of divorces. Other factors, such as marrying too young and financial stress, also contribute significantly to the breakdown of marriages. These issues, while focused on the couple, inevitably affect the children as well.

Divorce can feel like an emotional earthquake for children, disrupting their sense of stability and security. This is where your role as a parent becomes even more critical – to guide them through this life change with care, patience, and attention to their emotional needs.

How Divorce Affects Your Children: Breaking It Down by Age

Ages 0 to 2: Babies Feel the Stress Around Them

Even though babie are not inherently aware of the concept of divorce, they can sense the tension and changes in their environment. Babies rely heavily on routine, and any disruption – whether it’s a change in caregivers, home environment, or emotional stress – can affect their well-being.

What They Feel	How You Can Help
Anxiety, irritability, crying more often	Maintain consistent routines. Keep the environment calm, and offer extra comfort. Babies need your physical presence and a soothing atmosphere.

Ages 2 to 6: Toddlers and Preschoolers Struggle With Confusion

Children in this age range are deeply attached to their parents.

Any major disruption to the family dynamic can create feelings of confusion and insecurity.

Toddlers may regress – acting younger than their age by throwing tantrums or becoming more attached.

Preschoolers might not understand the concept of divorce, but they are sensitive to the tension and may worry about losing their parents.

What They Feel	How You Can Help
Confusion, regression, separation anxiety	Reassure them with simple explanations. Make sure they understand both parents still love them, and provide consistent care and attention.

.Ages 6 to 12: School-Age Children Often Feel Responsible

At this age, children are developing a sense of responsibility, which may cause them to internalize the divorce.

They might feel like they are the cause of their parents’ problems or that they failed in keeping the family together: „This is all my fault“ or „What did I do?“

You might see them withdraw, struggle in school, or become overly eager to please, trying to “fix” everything.

What They Feel	How You Can Help
Guilt, sadness, withdrawal	Repeatedly assure them that the divorce is not their fault. Let them express their feelings, and keep their daily routines as normal as possible.

Ages 12 to 16: Teens Often Rebel or Withdraw

Teenagers may have a clearer understanding of what divorce means, but that doesn’t make the emotional impact any easier.

Teens are more likely to experience intense feelings of anger, frustration, or betrayal. They might rebel, pull away from the family, or develop a more cynical view of personal relationships.

You may notice them spending more time with friends or avoiding home.

What They Feel	How You Can Help
Anger, frustration, withdrawal	Allow space but stay available. Encourage open discussions when they’re ready, and let them know they can share their feelings without judgment.

Honesty Is the Best Approach

Having the conversation about your divorce with your children is hard, but with the right approach you can make it easier on yourself AND your children.

Stick to the Truth, But Keep It Simple

Your kids deserve to know why you’re getting divorced, but avoid overwhelming them with too many details. Something simple, like, “We can’t live together anymore, but we both love you very much,” can be enough. You don’t need to go into long explanations or share too many personal grievances.

Reassure Them It’s Not Their Fault

No matter how old your children are, they may believe the divorce is somehow their fault. This is especially true for school-aged children. It’s very important to repeatedly reassure them that they didn’t cause this and that they couldn’t have prevented it.

Prepare Them for Changes

Divorce brings changes, and your children are likely to have questions. Whether it’s about moving, school routines, or spending time with each parent, answer their questions honestly. Let them know what to expect so they aren’t blindsided by the changes.

Present a United Front

Even though your relationship with your ex-spouse is ending, your relationship as co-parents continues. Children need to see their parents working together, even after a divorce. Avoid placing blame on each other and focus on the fact that both of you love them.

What Your Kids Really Want From You During the Divorce

Sometimes, children don’t know how to express what they need during a divorce. Here’s what many of them would ask for, if they could:

What They Want	Expression
Stay involved in my life	“I need to know you care, even when things change.”
Stop fighting	“When you fight, it makes me scared and sad.”
Speak kindly about each other	“I love you both, and it hurts when I hear mean things.”
Keep both parents in my life	“I don’t want to choose. I need you both.”
Support my feelings	“Losing the family I knew is hard. I need help dealing with it.”
Provide routines and stability	“When everything else changes, having the same routines makes me feel safer.”

What They Don’t Want From You

There are also behaviors your children desperately want you to avoid:

• Don’t Argue in Front of Them: Seeing their parents fight adds to their stress.
• Don’t Use Them as Messengers: Keep your communication with your ex-spouse direct. Your children should never be go-betweens.
  

  

• Don’t Involve Them in Your Disputes: Children should never feel like they’re being asked to take sides or pick favorites. Keep them out of adult conflicts. That’s what your divorce lawyers are for.

Final Thoughts: Protecting Your Child’s Emotional Health

Divorce affects every member of the family, and while the legal process is essential, your children’s emotional well-being deserves equal attention.

The way you handle this transition will shape their ability to cope with the changes.

By staying compassionate, consistent, and available, you can guide them through the storm and help them build resilience for the future.